Home Alone

Home Alone may be one of the greatest Christmas film's of my generation (perhaps second only to National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation). However, as I get older, and the more I watch both Home Alone and its sequel--Lost in New York--I just can't comprehend how stupid these robbers are and how ludicrously unrealistic some of the damage Kevin's traps cause.

Take, for instance, in the second movie when Daniel Stern's character, Marv, gets pelted in the head with some 5 bricks as they are lobbed from the top of a multiple story building. Despite being knocked "goofy" momentarily, he is able to get up and continue walking through Kevin's fun house. Let's be realistic here. If those bricks didn't kill him, they, at the very least, would have rendered him unconscious and in dire need of medical help.

The sensibility of the robbers is a whole different story. In the first film they subject themselves to repeated torture for what? The profit they can make from robbing the house can hardly be worth the pain they endure. I understand wanting to get even with the kid, but come on. In the second film they have a bit more cause to catch Kevin as he has photos of them robbing the toy store, but they still take asinine risks (such as trying to transverse down a kerosene soaked rope) to get to the kid.

Don't get me wrong. My rant here is not to discredit the classic essence of this holiday gem. I merely seek to point out some of the pure "jigga wha?" (if you will) of this movie.

Happy Hanukkah--Now Eat Your Ham

Now this picture is just ridiculous. Boneless spiral ham...and only $8.99/lb! Oh how delightful! And not only that, but its perfect for the celebration of Hanukkah. Let's forget the fact that eating pork is forbidden by the Jewish religion. This ham is just so delectable, it simply is a must for Hanukkah. Target Christians by advertising this as a good Christmas meal? No thanks. I'd rather market towards a demographic that is inherently forbidden to buy this product.

I just don't get it.

Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza

I hate this commercial. Honestly. I hate it so much. Why are the Oreo cookies taking over the guys' faces? Is the commercial implying that if you eat this dessert, you will grow a beard of Oreo cookies? That doesn't even make sense, and I could look past that if this commercial were even remotely funny. But lets be honest, this commercial just isn't funny. It's ridiculous and an insult to consumer intelligence.

I Like Flat Buns

Oh Carl's Jr., you have done it again. I commend your stellar advertising campaign as to date but once again you have truly topped yourself. Aside from the fact that your creative team refuses to get past the advertising slogan that "sex sells" (I guess sometimes you seem to embrace the slogan "guys like to eat and are too stupid to do anything but go out and buy a meal at a fast food place"), you are so innovative in your approach to using sex to sell...well burgers.


Which is exactly why I personally like flat buns. I don't want to hear about how your use of flat buns (to be clear I am referring to bread) are different from other fast food joints. No, No. I want to see some kids rap about how they like their teacher's flat buns (to be clear I am now referring to her ass). Putting aside the whole racist overtones of this "white kid rapping about his white teacher's flat buns," this ad just really goes out of its way to sell your new product. Pump up the sex, turn down the quality of your food and you are golden. I love you Carl's Jr. advertising team. You all are my flat bunned heroes.


And as a final note...is it just me or does the teacher in this commercial not really have as "flat of buns" as the ad 's jingle would lead you to believe?

Quarters

Its been a while, I know folks. After chatting with a friend I realized I need to get back to writing in this thing (if not for me then at least for my legions of fans).

And on that note, I would like to express my love for quarters. In my opinion, quarters are the single greatest coin ever. Vending machine? Grab your quarters. Washing machines--even more imperative you have quarters. "That will be $3.18." "Oh hang on I think I have a quarter." No worries pissing off the people behind you by frantically searching through your coin purse for those pennies, nickels, and dimes. They never seem to weigh you down like the other change because, quite frankly, you just need less of them to equal the same amount of change. And when you don't have any quarters..forget about it.

And so quarters, I salute you.

And again

I just can't get enough of the little lad. And this time he's back in his prime.

Maxwell's Silver Hammer

If anyone is even remotely a Beatles fan, this video is great. A bit gory I might add though, but hey, its a cartoon and it is exactly what the song is about.