Stop With the "Top 100s" Rolling Stone Magazine

While chatting with my brother, among other things, about the Italian national soccer team (which requires an entire post in itself), it came up that Rolling Stone has gone from a fairly ubiquitous standard of music criticism to nothing more than a "who's doing what" in the top 40 world, redundant artist and album reviews, and political banter that is so far left it leaps off the party spectrum into it's own self contained world. Don't get me wrong, I still subscribe to the magazine purely because every now and then a truly interesting article rolls (no pun intended) along. But often I find myself flipping through the pages in a matter of 20 minutes because I can hardly be expected to waste my time reading the contents within (A recent magazine with the Eagles on the cover? Give me a break. I can't decide which sucks more: the band or "Hotel California.")

What really seemed to bother us, though, was the annual publishing of the magazine's "top 100 list of *insert some bullshit music category here*." Now I know that it would be impossible for RS to compile a list of top 100 anything and please every reader. There are too many options out there and too many preferences and opinions. But honestly, sometimes the rankings are just so unjustified one can't help but become irked.

I'm going to overlook the fact that the magazine has traditionally had an undeniable, for lack of a better word, "classic rock" bias. (Greatest Albums=Beatles, Dylan, Stones according to Nov. 2003 issue.) Let's just focus on the latest issue's Top 100 Greatest Guitar Songs of All Time (Issue 1054 June 12, 2008). Right off the bat I thought the very category was stupid. Guitar songs? So that means any song that features a guitar is eligible? Or does the song have to have substantial guitar parts? What the hell is your criteria for defining a "guitar song?" I guess I'm going to assume 100 best guitar playings in a song. Fine. And some of your picks are great. Zep's "Whole Lotta Love" is an iconic guitar riff (I would even argue putting it ahead of "Stairway" in this particular category because "Stairway" is more "guitar solo" combined with some great opening Bonham synth and Plant vocals). "Smells Like Teen Spirit" brought modern guitarists back on the respected level of their predecessors (I could argue #10 is a bit high, but I doesn't necessarily bother me it's that high).

My real problem, then comes, with some bullshit choices like "Seven Nation Army." Maybe it's my bias towards the fact that I don't think The White Stripes are the most amazing band to hit the modern music scene, nor do I think Jack White is a revolutionary guitarist (putting him on the cover alongside Mick and Keith was beyond me). But I refuse to acknowledge the song is a better guitar song than say "Black Magic Woman" or "La Grange," both of which, at # 39 and #74 respectively, I deem exceedingly low. Oh and the real kicker--John Mayer on the list. Am I even supposed to know the song "Gravity?" And it's ahead of "I Love Rock n Roll?" I don't even like Joan Jett, but her song is way more of a guitar staple than anything Mayer puts out. The fact that he was included as a guitar hero worthy of interview along with greats like Page, Santana, and B.B. King is either RS's way of trying to show they aren't purely classic rock biased, or their way of dumbing down their judgment to fit a more expansive poptastic audience. Hell, you might as well have included Jack Johnson in the mix.

My brother pointed me to these many "best of" lists put out by Mojo. I won't make any direct comparisons between them and RS. First, there is no category entitled "best guitar songs of all time" because it is a lamely vague category. Furthermore many of the lists were compiled some 5-10 years ago, making them a bit outdated (even if you think the music scene isn't what it used to be, you inevitably have to take into account all music-to-date when making a "best of" list). It's just interesting to get a non-RS perspective on some of these lists. Sure I've got my issues with Mojo--Bob Dylan as #11 on the greatest singers is laughable as the man has a god awful voice and is a songwriter above all else, not a singer. Zeppelin isn't even in their 20 greatest guitar albums of all time (blasphemy as far as I'm concerned). But what you do see is, in my opinion, a much wider spectrum of artists. Take for instance, the "100 Records that Changed the World." Mojo has everything from the Beatles to Kraftwerk (amazing choice by the way) to a compilation album of folk songs.

You would never see such variety, especially in the top 10 spots, from RS. They're too quick to regurgitate the same songs and artists because ultimately these ranking lists are a good way for them to do minimal writing and generate increased readership (who can resist seeing who is ranked above whom in any list). So ultimately as I begin to tire of writing, I urge Rolling Stone to just stop with the drivel, because I only have so much time in the week to not read it's articles.




Please note, this is what NOT to see on the cover of a RS mag.

Try and Stop Me From Not Messing With the Zohan

Seriously. How could I not mess with the premise of this movie. Either my days as a vibrant youth laughing at the silly antics of Billy Madison (I'll tell you who, it was that damn Sasquatch) have long come to an end, or Adam Sandler has gotten severely lazy in his attempts at humor. Speaking of outgrowing days of youth, hasn't Sandler outgrown his? I honestly think he might even be reverting in his development as a comedian with this latest piece of a movie.

I'll admit, I haven't seen the movie so my issues with it could all be the cause of terrible marketing, but I utterly and miserably fail to see the humor in an Israeli commando turned hair dresser. He smacks some dude on the street with his feet--not funny. He gives some kid the sleeper--not funny. He swims like a dolphin--I can't even say for sure if that was meant to be funny...but it isn't. No doubt Rob Schneider will uncharacteristically play a foreign guy with a bad accent in a totally unprecedented and awe-inspiring move. Adam, please stop relying on infantile sight gags and over-the-top stereotypes to draw laughs. You've been around way to long to keep degrading yourself like this.

I can only hope that this movie tanks at the box office but judging from past performances of seemingly bad movies (insert any recent Will Ferrell title here), America should prove to arrive in hoards to Zohan and laugh heartily while shoveling boat loads of popcorn in its face.